I lost all my ability to care today
I’m sure it was due to happen anyway
I just never thought it would be so sudden, you know?
An oddly satisfying state of mind, people always told me I should unwind and now? I don’t have to somehow
Recent events in my life, uh recent recent not recently, there’s a difference, you see – in how the events correlate to my current psychological state and in the event of a fire please use the designated fire exits, sorry that happens occasionally, to stop, my brain requires it’s daily dose of neurotoxin, no, wait not toxic, I’m not sick, I’m ill…
That’s what they call it, isn’t it? Mental illness?
You see, in the crowd I notice the stillness
But I also notice all the small movements and the words you speak and I can feel your eyes burning into me, even when nobody is looking, nobody is speaking and there’s no-one else in the room
So there are two options for those blessed with a notion to be assessed as depressed, or manic for that matter, a state of being to shatter all expectations of how or what or why a human should be, for you see it eliminates all possibility of failure much like Felix Felicis from Harry Potter and at this point you’re thinking “OH MY GOD THAT GUY’S OFF HIS ROCKER”
And yes, you’d be correct but I try to not let it affect my general comings and goings, after all knowings half the battle. Wrong.
It’s the type of battle where you can only gain half the ground with every step forward, and so you never reach your destination
Option number one
Realise this and decide that life’s really not that fun
People will call you stupid, and selfish and maybe you’re an attention seeker
“Finally, someone who gets it! Aren’t I just a useless mass of nothing?” good to see I’m not rushing this decision as I measure out the indefinite amount of pills with the utmost precision
Long story short I tried option 1, tried it twice, I guess the amount wasn’t that precise, and I wouldn’t recommend it.
Option number two
Ignore it and just say you’re feeling blue, or you’re just a little under the weather, and hope that this limited tether keeps you going long enough to die in a way that’s acceptable to society and there’s something in the sobriety of being accepted that allows the mask you wear to feel less like it’s suffocating you and more like the smile you wear is genuine and less like the things you say are fake and more like the things you hear are real.
And whilst Option number 2 is infinitely better than Option number 1 it’s still not the best option for you when you’re not you, and you’re someone else pretending to be other people
Option number 3? I don’t know why you’re looking at me I’m as clueless as the next pineapple, sorry, it happened again…
The point is I haven’t quite figured out Option 3
Probably as I haven’t figured out me
Maybe it’s not about battling mental health but instead about battling yourself
They say you are your own worst enemy
No shit Sherlock, you’re telling me!
Maybe it’s possible to shed the mask no mean feat or easy task but possible still to crawl out of your mind and into your body and into your heart and out of your soul and just… Be
Maybe the reason that life, with or without mental health strife, is a battle of increasingly smaller halves
If you never really know where you’re going, how can you reach your destination?
There’s no telling where you’ll swing
So in the words of Bob Marley
“Don’t worry about a thing”
and in the words of Dory
“just keep swimming”