Learning to be selfish is the most important thing my mum taught me, ask for what you need and say no to things when you can’t do them.
TW: References to self harm.
I’m writing this mostly for my own sense of self, to remind myself that no matter how horrid this year has been for me there were ups despite the downs. I started my year of university in the best place mentally I’d been since around 14. I’d spent summer working in a job I loved with people I loved, I’d started hanging out with my friends again and was back on my meds, I was ready to move away. I spent freshers feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness, I attended one lecture during the 2 weeks. A trend that would very much continue into my first year. I spent freshers with my lovely flat mate Celine, who I spent the majority of my time with, laughing away and getting ridiculously drunk. I felt calm and safe. Then she left. After she went, I spent most of my time in my room, in my own head. I was trying to battle my old thoughts but this time without my best friends, my parents or my ex-boyfriend to pull me out of bed, force me to eat or help me shower. I was doing it alone this time. I had people around me, but I didn’t feel safe with them yet and I could feel myself slipping back to into old habits.
I would sit in my room for days on end, only to leave to eat, crying and sleeping. My flat mates would joke that I was always sleeping, which was true but what I couldn’t tell them was when they weren't seeing me I was in my room alone, awake with my thoughts for hours and hours, feeling like my brain was broken. I went 3 days without eating one time, not even turning my light on, with my curtains shut. My lovely flat mate Dylan ended up threatening to leave food outside my door and Emma came round with Joe with a bag of all my fav foods to help me eat. They got me up and out of that slump and I can’t thank them enough.